It was time. I had to figure out for myself why it was no longer healthy for me to think, contemplate and dwell on the ending of my almost four year relationship and engagement. Without ending the madness, I was never going to be able to let go of the past mistakes, regrets and the overarching idea that this might have been my only chance at love. This realization alone frightened me, for if in fact I couldn’t unchain myself from my past, I would never become the woman I wanted to be, the woman I saw myself as.
First, I had to be clear with myself why this relationship wasn’t even what I thought it was at the time. It wasn’t all romance and beauty. It was difficult, confusing and put me through a lot of pain before it was even over. For some reason, the mind alters all reality when you are heartbroken, sad and alone. You start fantasizing a relationship you probably never really had, even romanticizing the person you were with as if they were without any fault or as if they were more deserving of love than you’d ever be. Tragic blame befalls you, regret encapsulates your mind and by the time you’re done, you’ve gone and convinced yourself that it was all your fault, that you were all to blame.
The healthiest thing I’ve finally come to grasp after 6 months of separation, was that no one is fully to blame, it takes two to start a fight and two to end one. Another aspect I realized was that I was being asked to do a lot of things, to compromise, adjust and change under a set of very unusual and extremely difficult circumstances. It was, to say the least, a very unrealistic relationship for which I could not see until I stepped back far enough where I was no longer in the dark.
Another harsh concept I faced about myself was my inability to let go and move on when situations or people were no longer benefiting me as a person. I’ve stayed too long in things, became frustrated, regressed and mulled over tiny details before fully walking away. If I had trusted my instincts I would have saved myself from many wasted moments of tears, desperation and aggravation. However, I will now, as a mature adult, chock it up to a great learning lesson for the future so I can begin the process of fully moving on as a strong, independent, young adult on the verge of becoming the woman I’d admire if I’d have met myself on the street one day.
I promise this young, healthy, strong self of mine that I will no longer blame myself. I rid myself of all regret, pain and anguish about this situation and I will free myself from the anxieties that I am becoming the youngest spinster who ever lived and that I missed out on the one chance I had at great love. I am completely abolishing that thought and burning it in the fire. Because I will, like we all will, find great love again, a love full of compromise, sacrifice, respect, trust and understanding. I will find a love either within myself or in a relationship that will one day explain why my past relationship couldn’t possibly ever work. Most importantly, I will love myself fully for all my mistakes, flaws and imperfections but also for all my beauty, strengths and admiring qualities. This is the end of all my strife about the past but also the beginning to something profound, beautiful and great.